Not So Secret Struggle
by Kay-zzee
Summary: Since the age of 14 Jo has been able to look after herself,she had her own way of coping but when Alex finds out and half the hospital find out will it work and more importantly, will someone finally be able to save the damaged girl. *WARNING* Content of self-harm and eating disorders. All rights go to Shonda Rimes and cast of GA. Please review firs fan fic
1. Chapter 1 - A hidden truth

Jo woke up in a cold sweat it had been 3 months since she had told Alex about her past and her nightmares had returned. She thought back to her childhood, bouncing round and around foster homes , only one person who really cared about her.

"I've changed since then, I'm stronger now, I have money and friends, and I have a house with people who care about me… well at least I think Christina cares about me it's hard to tell with her," Jo whispered, there was nobody else there she was reassuring herself trying to find about of strength to stop herself for what she really wanted.

It was useless; she rolled up her pyjama bottoms until her right thigh was showing bringing scars old and new with it there were millions of them. She reached into the drawer next to her bed, pulling out a blade from her razor. She pulled it across her milky skin, this part of her body wasn't smooth like the rest of it was rough and bumpy with scars covering it red and purple. Watching her blood pour out of her new cut Jo sighed, she didn't see it the same way as others did it wasn't a dangerous addiction, a need for pain or an emotional realises. It was a way of her having some control in her life, just as her eating and exercising was.

"Jo can I come in?" Alex called from the other side of the door causing Jo to panic, nobody at the hospital knew about this and that was the way she wanted it to stay. She wasn't stupid, she knew what she was doing was dangerous and she should stop or she would end up killing herself, but she didn't want to, this was her way of getting through a hard day it has been since she was 14, if it was cutting, Skipping meals or purging or excessive exercise.

"Jo?" Alex called again brining her back to reality. She jumped up shouting to give her a minute and the ran to the bathroom washing her new wound and rubbing it with disinfectant it stung but she liked it she was drying her leg when Alex came into her room.

"Crap," she muttered under her breath, she was in the bathroom that joined on to her bedroom putting a bit of gauze over her newly inflicted wound, but she had left the razor on her bed. Pulling her trouser leg down she walked through to her bedroom.

The colour from Jo's face drained as Alex looked at her, his eyes full of concern and pain. He held up an object towards her and his eyes misted over as he chocked the words out, "Jo, why is there a razor with blood on it lying on your bed?"


	2. Chapter 2- The truth hurts

"Jo?" Alex asked again.

Realising she hadn't said anything she looked down at the floor trying to find calm herself down "I… I broke my razor … and I must of dropped a bit when I was getting throwing it out" she mumbled her eyes misting over.

"Why don't I believe that Jo?" Alex said walking up to her; he put his hand on her chin and made her look into his eyes. Jo lost the composer she still had as soon as her eyes meet Alex's, she could feel the tears flooding down her cheeks, but she wasn't worried about that. She felt Alex wrap his strong arms around her, and she buried her head into his chest, but she could feel her walls coming down, she knew Alex would make her talk about it, and tell other people. That wasn't what worried her, when her walls come down she is weak and vulnerable, and Jo hated being that.

She was right about Alex as soon as her tears calmed down a bit he told her they needed to talk.

"Great," Jo mumbled but it was still loud enough for Alex to hear.

In the next five minutes Jo was sitting on the floor in the living room against the wall not even bothering to look over at the other two knowing what she would see, disappointment, sadness, pity and a little bit of anger. On the couch Alex and Christian were looking at Jo wanting her to speak first. Christina was still a little bit annoyed at Alex for walking her up 2 hours early before her next 48 hours shift but looking at Jo she got it.

"Jo, are you cutting yourself?" Christiana said using her usual bluntness, Alex shoot her a look saying 'are you out of your mind you don't just say that' and Christina just shrugged. Getting up she walked over to where Jo was sitting and slid down the wall next to her. "Jo?"

Looking up Jo looked at Christian, only managing to look into her eyes and nod before she began crying again, harder this time wet and warm tears flooding down her cheeks like a waterfall. Christian knew not to stop know putting an arm around her shoulder asked if she could see them using the line, just so we can make sure there not infected. Which since Jo is a doctor was not the best but she nodded. She rolled up her right trouser leg all the way to the top while Alex was walking over. Alex and Christina looked at it, There was about 250 cuts on that little bit of thigh, all at a different stage of healing, some were completely healed and some were still red and scabby meaning they were done recently, all of them were very deep. Then there was one with a bit of gauze over it which Christina lifted up knowing that was the one from tonight.

"Jo these are … bad," Alex muttered.

Christina placed the gauze back over the new cut. Jo was still crying when Alex and Christina moved her over to the couch.

"Jo, how long have you been cutting for?" Christina asked knowing she would have to take lead of the questions out of her and Alex, Knowing some of the scars were years old she sighed, she liked Jo, she wasn't very sure why but she was a nice girl.

"I started when I was 14 and I stopped when I was about 19, but I started again about 5 months ago," Jo said. "Look I'm fine, I slipped up, but I'll fix it." Jo added and before either of them replied she had bolted up to her room.

-Jo went to her cupboard and pulled out the first thing she had her hands on. A pair of jeans and a purple sweater.

"Jo? Can I come on we still need to talk." Alex Shouted through the door.

"I'm getting changed Alex, pre-rounds" She shouted back pulling her sweater over her head, a wave of dizziness hit her. She wasn't really surprised, she hadn't eat in a week and she knew she should now but she didn't want to.

Gripping onto he side of her bed Jo got her balance back and walked over to the door, it was 4:30am and rounds started at 6am so she would get there an hour early. Great.

When Jo opend her bedroom door, Alex was leaning on the wall opposite her bedroom waiting on her. She tried tojust walk past, but Alex reached and grabbed her arm. "Jo,"

"Alex, I'm meeting Stephanie for pre-rounds and I'm going to be late, "that was a 50% lie she was going to be late if she wanted to finish pre-rounds, but Stephanie doesn't get there until 5 minutes before our rounds star

"Jo, me and Christiana need to tell someone so they can give a physical exam so you can pick Grey or Bailey?"

"Alex, just leave." Jo replied, knowing he most likely wouldn't, with that she ran down the stairs and out the door.

Alex pulled out his phone after hearing Jo's car drive away, he went into his contacts and phoned the person he was looking for, she picked up after 3 rings, "Bailey, I need your help,"

**Thanks For reading, this is my first fan-fiction so can you please review so I know if you think it's any good?**


	3. Chapter 3- Twist in Fate

**Hi, Guy's ill make this quick, I'm not really good at writing long chapters so ill just do a lot of short one's hope that's okay, Thanks' for reading this, I'm trying not to rush this don't know if it's working or not but I didn't to start it all boring so hope you enjoy, R&R **

"Jo, come here for a minuet please," Bailey called after rounds.

She felt her stomach knot, Jo knew what was coming, but she wasn't going to give in so with her head held high she walked over to where Bailey was standing. "Yes?" She asked confidently.

Bailey took her into an exam room and got her to sit down. "as you know I'm a general surgeon so I'm in charge with pretty much anything from general health to organs like the appendix."

"Yhe…" Jo said as though she didn't knew where she was going with this.

"I got a call from Alex earlier," the sheer panic on Jo's face was enough to see she knew exactly what was happening. "He said you've been self-harming,"

"I…I don't know what you're talking about I…I don't self-harm he must of got confessed" Jo's breathing was getting short and she was struggling to do it, her head was pounding and the whole room was spinning around her.

"Jo, look at me sweetheart, I need you to breath."

It wasn't working, Jo wasn't calming down, with the baseball she felt in her chest and hercrying she was having trouble breathing. She was shaking, and then the room went black.

**Meredith POV**

"Derek your Mini you is going to make me kill him!" I said to Derek all seriousness

"What did Ross do th…." Derek was cut off by Bailey.

Standing at the door of the Exam room across the hail, shouting at us Wilson has just passed out.

Christina and Alex were standing at the nurses table arguing about something, they froze when the heard Bailey for a second, then all four of us were in the room, Alex and Derek lifted Jo onto the gurney.

"Her pulse is weak!" Christina called.

The next 10 minutes were chaos with everyone one trying to get there hand's in and tell the others something, I couldn't hear myself think.

"STOP!" Derek yelled getting everyone's attention. "She's wakening up,"


	4. Chapter 4- Emma who?

**Sorry for the wait but I got stuck in the middle good news it's a longer chapter Please R&R**

"Jo, you need to lie back!" Bailey shouted for the third time since Jo had regained conciseness two minutes ago.

"I'm fine" She answered back, this is how the conversation had been since she opened her eyes, Jo struggling to get up while Meredith, Derek and Bailey shouted at her.

"You passed out, and you were unconscious for 10 minutes which means your brain…." Derek began before Jo cut him off, "I might only be a Inter but I did go to medical school so I know what it means!" she snapped at him.

Jo might have been putting on a hard, defensive front on the outside, but inside she was tearing herself down, she wasn't doing it deliberate of course something inside her knew it wasn't normal but there was a voice, a whole different person inside of her who was in control it was hear she was hearing, she didn't fight back because to her the 'girl' was perfection. Skinny and confident with long brown hair. She knew that this 'girl' or 'Emma' the name she had given her when she was 15 and had just became part of her life, was only trying to help her, to give her the biggest desire she had ever had, being perfect and wanted, and every little pound she lost was a step closer to her dream. So she sucked it up. Emma was there to give her that and if she listened to her she wouldn't get punished, she didn't like the way she used her cutting as a punishment sometimes but she can't ignore Emma twice.

'_You should have listened to me earlier while that Alex and Christina asked you about your cutting you stupid girl, your weak, pathetic. Am I wasting my time on you? No, then listen to me know and say exactly what I tell you! If you don't there going to make you fatter than you already are, do you want that? To go back to that horrible girl in high school the one who couldn't stay with one family for more than a week? The one no-one wanted, not even your own mother? I didn't so, now listen closely and say what I tell you to say, and I'm only going to say it once."_

So Jo did listen, she couldn't lose Emma the only one who wanted the best for her. "I know the risks of it but if I start to feel any of them I will come and find you because the symptoms are not immediately noticeable." Answering the question Derek had asked her while Emma was talking to her. "As for passing out I wanted to do pre-rounds today and by the time I finished them I had 4 minutes to get to the other side of the hospital or I would have been late for rounds, then Bailey needed to talk to me. So I didn't eat this morning, but I'll go grab something to eat know, and I'm in the pit today anyway so I won't be doing a lot of exercise and standing, plus all of your pagers have gone off while we've been talking so I think you might be needed elsewhere."

Derek and Meredith looked at each over, but they seemed to accept her reasons, "Ok Wilson but any Dizziness, headache, weakness, fatigue or a lot of stumbling about page me." Derek said as he and Meredith left.

'_Well done Jo, you got rid of two of them so I should give you some credit for that, but it was my words so all you did was not mess them up. Now let see if you really are worth my time, these three looking down at you. You know what they're thinking? That poor, pathetic little Jo can't even take care of herself never mind her patients. There the ones who want to make you miserable and fat, you don't want to lie to them? They don't care about you, they lie to you when the say they care about you and want to help. Think about it Jo, it's their Job to help the pathetic, weak-minded idiots like you. What do you owe them? Exactly, nothing I am the only one who cares about you, who stood by you when you people found out you were in foster care, who helped you when you were labelled the class nerd, who didn't laugh when the quarterback asked you out then stood you up while almost the whole school watched, who was the only one who believe you when that horrible foster father of yours raped you and you got pregnant, and helped you get rid of that horrible thing that was going to get you fat? Oh right, me, me and ME! I'm the best thing to ever happen to anyone, you should be grateful I chose you! Now, look them in the eye, all of them, and repeat after me!"_

"Really, I am fine. Alex, Christina I don't know what you thought but the cut were old, the one that was bleeding this morning I broke my razor in the shower and it cut me. Bailey I'm sorry they just got the facts wrong, but thank you at least I know you all care about me enough to do this and I'm sorry if I worried you, but I really am fine. I am also 30 late for my shift in the pit so I should go."

With that Jo got up and left the room, "What do we do now?" Alex asked in a quiet and hurt voice.

"We watch her, make sure she doesn't do anything stupid and we be here when she is ready to talk," Bailey replied as she watched Jo disappear round the corner.

**In case you didn't get it the **_**italics **_** was Emma in Jo's head.**


	5. Chapter 5- What have you done?

**Sorry it took so long but a lot of school stuff came up then I got writers block but thanks for waiting and thanks EMELIAGRACE for the idea ill work that in this chap and ill post a long one tomorrow or Thursday.**

**Only got one review for the last chap and I'm hoping I'm going to get more for this one and the next one but any way. Oh a lot of Emma in this chap aswell**

_Well done Jo at least you got out of that room without having to talk and give away our little secret but you need to be careful now because they're going to watch you and nobody likes a pathetic, ugly, fat girl. Now eat something before you pass out again. STOP! I can see you eyeing up that chocolate cake. Now move on and get an apple. Good girl we don't need to make you fatter that you already are. _

When Jo went into the pit she was an hour late, and good news for her, Callie was running it today and she was not in a good mood.

"JO! Where have you been? Did you not bother paying attention to the time, or did you just think it's only the pit nobody there is that important?"

"Sorry Callie, Bailey had to talk to me,"

"Beds 1 and 4 need a rectal exam, bed 3 needs stiches and bed 7 has a nasty cold. GO!"

Jo finished 3 hours later and still had 21 hours of her shift left.

_Well you're not needed here and sitting on that far ass of yours isn't going to get you and skinner, you know maybe that cake was a good idea, let's go get lunch._

Callie told Jo to be back in 30 minutes and with that she was on her way up to the cafeteria, 10 minutes later she had eat 2 slices of the cake, a burger and had a cup of hot chocolate.

_Stupid bitch! Good to see you don't have any willpower see you need me. Now I think there is a lovely toilet bowl you need to make friends with, did you really think I was going to let you eat so much, remember im trying to make you skinny not an elephant._

Once again it was a battle against Jo and Emma and once again Emma had won.

In five minutes Jo had found an empty bathroom and gave herself the task of ridding herself of all the food in her.

She was so focused on that that 10 minutes later she never heard the door opening, she never heard the footsteps, or the knock on her door.

Another 20 minutes and she was finally satisfied with what was left in her stomach, she wasn't very pleased however when she opened the stall door and found no other that Meredith Grey standing there with a look of worry and pity on her face.

_Well done Jo I have another thing I need to talk you out of now, and a lovely blade with your name on it in your locker. You're already late for Callie what's another 10 minutes right?_

"Meredith, guess I should have listened to you when you mentioned the cafeteria food. I'm never going to eat in th…"Jo started, trying to make a joke out of it.

"Jo, I think we need to talk" Meredith finished for her.

**Again sorry it took so long but what do you think?**

**Question time**

**Do you want Meredith to be kind and pitying on her or just to lay down the facts **

**What do you think about a Jo/Callie/Arizona friendship?**

**Should Jo come clean about everything to anyone (Alex/Christina/Bailey/Meredith/Callie/Arizona)**


	6. AN

**Author's Note**

**I know I haven't updated in like forever and for that I'm sorry but my laptop broke I make a promise to all the readers out there that I will now update every Wednesday and Sunday.**

**~Kayleigh**


	7. Chapter 6 - Connecting

This is a Short chapter to get me back into it I'll update on Wednesday

"Jo I think we need to talk"

"Callie is waiting on me in the pit I need to go," Jo replied.

"I can deal with Callie, follow me" Meredith Sighed

Jo followed Meredith through the hospital into a exam room, and sat in the chair Meredith pointed to.

"You are a smart girl Jo and a doctor so I know you know risks, but in case you forgot, Starvation can damage vital organs such as the brain and heart. To protect itself, the body shifts into _"slow gear" _your periods stop, breathing, pulse and blood pressure rates drop Thyroid function, which is your neck gland, slows, your nails and hair become brittle and your nails are turning blue so I know that's happening . Your skin gets dry, yellows and becomes covered with soft hair called lanugo. Reduced body fat leads to lowered body temperatures and an inability to withstand cold weather. Mild anemia, swollen joints, reduced muscle mass, and light-headedness which would explain your passing out earlier. Jo start talking," Meredith stated.

"I'm eating Meredith I just forgot today and then the cafeteria food made me sick," Jo defended herself.

"Jo I'm going to tell you a story, there was this girl and when she was 14 so stopped eating, her dad had left her and her mother was never around, she fought it was her fault, that she was unlovable. So she thought if she lost a little bit of weight that her mother would be around more, care about her more. A little bit of weight turned into a lot, and it still wasn't enough. When she was 15 she got put into a Recovery Centre where she met someone else like her, dad was a drug addict mum was a prostitute, they were in there together for about 6 months and both got released the week before Christmas, they were pretty much best friends. They stayed in touch both having relapse as well but then a couple of months later her friend stopped replying, the next week she found out that her friend had died from starvation after that she decided to get better it took some time but by her 17th birthday she had recovered, she went to medical school and became a surgeon to help people like they helped her. That girl was me, Jo. I know what you're going through, maybe not exactly but pretty close. Let us help you, Jo. We can." Meredith pleaded.

Jo had tears tracking her cheeks by now, "It wasn't meant to get this far, it was just a little bit but then I couldn't stop, I don't know why but it made me feel like I could control something, my mum left me at a fire station she never cared about me and I was in dozens of foster homes in the first 16 years of my life, nobody cared I just wanted them to care."

By the end of this Jo was in tears, Meredith hugged her and let her sob into her shoulder as she paged Alex to come down.

**Reviews don't kill you I made sure of that. **


	8. Chapter 7- The Confession

Two minutes later Alex came bursting through the door after getting a page from Meredith only saying _911-Jo Exam 2, _needless to say he was worried wouldn't you be if your best friend/kind of sister/ maybe love interest was in trouble. He wasn't prepared however for how he found them. Somehow Jo had managed to get on top of Meredith's lap and had her arms wrapped around her neck crying into her shoulder while Meredith had her arms wrapped around Jo's waist protectively, tears of her own making a path down her face.

"Mer, Jo what happened?" Alex asked carefully, pulling both women from their positions.

Taking a deep breath Jo looked at Alex and passed on her pain to him in one sentence that made him feel like all the weight of world was on her shoulders, and all she said was, "I lied this morning about not having time for breakfast, I avoided it like the pelage."

"Why?" Alex asked, even though a part of him already knew.

"I don't want to be fat anymore," she mumbled in response.

Those made the weight on Alex's shoulders crush him.

"Jo you need to tell us everything," Meredith told her in a kind yet strict voice that left no room for arguments.

"I don't know where to start," she said with a sad laugh.

"The Beginning is always a good place in my opinion," Alex replied while coming to sit next to them.

"A couple of months after my 14 birthday I got placed in my, I think it was the 17th foster home, 17 foster homes in 14 years what a pleasure. They seemed nice enough and they were but a couple of weeks after I got placed there they said it wasn't going to work, and sent me back to my care house. 17 families' never wanted me, I thought maybe if I was skinner it would change their minds so I went on a diet, stopped eating sweets, exercised more, but then that wasn't enough so I stopped eating lunch and ran every day. Then I stopped eating so much for tea and ran up to four hours a day, I started to self-harm about 3 months before I turned 15 and I got kicked out my 21st foster home, I still wasn't enough even though I was living of pretty much breakfast a day spent my free time running and everything I did it I throw back up again. By the time I was 16 and living in my car it was a way to control something in my life, something I never got to do before, and it just got out of hand for the past 14 years I have been battling anorexia/bulimia and self-harm problems (A/N – IM going to make Jo 28 in this cuz I don't know how old she is) and I can't stop I'm scared to stop," she ended in a whisper, tears running down all three of their cheeks now.

"Jo I need to check your weight okay?" Meredith asked, although it was more of a statement. Jo just nodded.

30 minutes later Jo had all test done and it was clear she was nearly 20 lbs. underweight, they ordered her to go to the on call room to sleep while they paged in the rest of the Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital team, because it's a hospital rule for them to know anything that happens within their staff.

**Reviews? Next chap GSMH Team meeting x**


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